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AUSTIN POWERS 2:

The Wrath of Khan

By

Mike Myers & Michael McCullers

 

SECOND DRAFT - 6/25/98

 

OPEN ON BLACK:

 

MUSIC: dramatic timpani roll and sting

 

The following title appears:

 

AUSTIN POWERS 2

THE WRATH OF KHAN!

 

MUSIC: changes to incidental Muzak

 

We see a title scroll of the following narration:

 

NARRATOR (VO) The producers would like to point out that this movie is in no way related to or inspired by the original Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. It shares neither characters nor setting nor action with the film of that name.

 

MUSIC: dramatic timpani roll and sting

 

A New Line Presentation

 

MUSIC: changes to incidental Muzak

 

NARRATOR: As time goes by it becomes increasingly unclear why the name Wrath of Khan was chosen for this film, since it will surely provoke a costly lawsuit.

 

MUSIC: dramatic timpani roll and sting

 

Of an Eric's Boy Production

 

MUSIC: changes to incidental Muzak

 

NARRATOR: Well there you have it, a copyright suit has been filed against us by the makers of Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. Our counsel informs us that we are without legal recourse and therefore, the new name of this film is:

 

MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting

 

AUSTINPUSSY

 

MUSIC: changes to incidental Muzak

 

NARRATOR (cont'd) We've just been notified that in order to meet the requirements for the Motion

Picture Association of America's PG-13 rating, we must, once again, change the title of this film. The new, and hopefully, last title is:

 

AUSTIN POWERS 2:

THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME

 

MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting

 

NARRATOR: In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought.

 

2 EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE).

 

SUPER: The French Riviera

 

3 INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY

 

Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle.

 

4 INT. HOTEL SUITE

 

FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She plays with his chest hair.

 

VANESSA: I love you, Mr. Powers.

 

AUSTIN: And I love you, Mrs. Powers.

 

SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss.

 

VANESSA: Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars.

 

5 EXT. HOTEL BALCONY

 

EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars.

 

AUSTIN: Look how beautiful the night sky is.

 

VANESSA: Isn't that the big dipper?

 

AUSTIN: Yeah, and that looks just like

Uranus.

 

VANESSA: Austin!

 

AUSTIN: (sheepish) Well, you know.

 

VANESSA: Hey, I've never seen that big star before.

 

AUSTIN: Yeah, what is that?

 

Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look.

 

6 AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT

 

7 EXT. SPACE

 

EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket.

 

8 INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE

 

DR. EVIL: This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I

Mr. Bigglesworth?

 

The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS.

 

9 EXT. SPACE

 

The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out.

 

10 SFX: PLOOP!

 

Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth

 

11 INT. HOTEL ROOM

 

Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door.

 

AUSTIN: Oh well, I guess it was nothing.

 

A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face.

 

AUSTIN: Care for some champagne?

(pouring) Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy!

 

Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned.

 

AUSTIN: Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv?

 

VANESSA: (back turned) Just putting on my--

 

As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be.

 

FEMBOT VANESSA: (computer voice) MAKE-UP!

 

AUSTIN: (frightened) Vanessa, you're a Fembot!

 

They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts.

 

AUSTIN: Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those?

 

VANESSA: (robot voice) PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY.

 

Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO.

Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK.

 

Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCI- switch and hits it.

 

She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES.

 

Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring.

 

MUSIC: very sad piano

 

AUSTIN: (very sad) I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How will I ever go on?

(beat) Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave!

 

12 INT. LOBBY - HOTEL

 

Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase.

 

AUSTIN: Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free!

 

13 SEQUENCE CREDIT

 

MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES

 

PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we

FREEZE FRAME.

 

14 EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA

 

European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed-

 

A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME.

 

A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man!

 

Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND.

 

A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach". Austin enters from the left.

We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is about to appear from behind the sign, a...

 

CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks.

 

15 NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE

 

A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears.

 

The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION

DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest.

 

Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles.

 

A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked by the "WIRITTEN BY" credit.

Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist. Austin looks proud.

 

A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts.

 

Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits in mid-air:

 

FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH."

 

Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR.

 

AUSTIN: Shaguar, baby, yeah!

 

CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar".

The car speeds off.

 

16 FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW

 

On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and

SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel.

 

Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD"

 

JERRY SPRINGER: If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break.

 

BOBBY: Dad, I know you're against racemixing and all that, but I met someone...

 

KLANSMAN: Don't say it!

 

The crowd WHOOPS.

 

BOBBY

I met someone ... and he's black.

 

The crowd goes crazy.

 

KLANSMAN: He?

 

The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands.

 

JERRY SPRINGER: Please welcome Tim.

 

A handsome Blaire Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son. The crowd screams.

 

JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL.

 

JERRY SPRINGER: Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us.

 

SCOTT: Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination.

 

JERRY SPRINGER: And where is your father right now?

 

SCOTT: He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth.

 

JERRY SPRINGER: Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out Scott's father, Dr Evil.

 

Dr Evil enters.

 

Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD"

 

DR. EVIL: Hello Scott, I'm back.

 

SCOTT: I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television!

 

DR. EVIL: They offered me a free makeover.

 

JERRY SPRINGER: Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share?

 

DR. EVIL: Share?

 

JERRY SPRINGER: Yes, don't you have any secrets?

 

DR. EVIL: OK. I have a vestigial tail.

 

Everyone is a little grossed out.

 

DR. EVIL: It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that?

 

The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet.

 

KLANSMAN: What are you, some kind of freak?

 

SCOTT: Shut up, jagoff!

 

Studio audience whoops at this.

 

KLANSMAN: I'll kick your ass punk!

 

Crowd goes crazy.

 

DR. EVIL: No one talks to my boy that way!

 

Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them.

 

DR. EVIL: I'm OK, I'm OK.

 

There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down.

 

DR. EVIL: Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair.

 

17 EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY

 

We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant

STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters.

 

18 INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM

 

The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks.

 

Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products.

 

NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far-flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide.

 

DR. EVIL: Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe.

 

NUMBER TWO: If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold.

 

Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip.

 

DR. EVIL: Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect.

 

NUMBER TWO: (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache) Dr. Evil, I think you--

 

DR. EVIL: Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time.

 

19 FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE)

Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit.

 

20 INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS

 

Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow.

 

NUMBER TWO: May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little...misunderstanding.

 

DR. EVIL: Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen?

 

We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before.

 

FRAU: Zehr gut, Herr Doctor.

 

DR. EVIL: How are things?

 

FRAU: I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To my right is my lover.

 

We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow.

 

FRAU: Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour.

 

DR. EVIL: Right on. Welcome, Unibrau.

 

Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger.

 

FRAU: Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.'

 

DR. EVIL: (wiping it off, embarrassed) Oh, I know. I know.

 

NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus.

 

We see a swarthy Greek army guy.

 

DR. EVIL: Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited?

 

OEDIPUS: I could give a shit.

 

DR. EVIL: Kiss your mother with that mouth?

 

OEDIPUS: Yes.

 

DR. EVIL: Of course you do.

 

Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two interrupts.

 

NUMBER TWO: (clearing throat) Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them.

 

DR. EVIL: I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese.

It's like frickin' heroin.

 

NUMBER TWO: Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you.

 

DR. EVIL: Cool.

 

NUMBER TWO: We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results.

 

FRAU: (shouting) Send in the clone!

 

MUSIC: dramatic sting

 

We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and scarier.

 

NUMBER TWO: He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size.

 

We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon

Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth.

 

DR. EVIL: Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini-Me.

(to clone) Mini-Me, you will sit to my right.

 

Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair.

 

DR. EVIL: Come Mr. Bigglesworth!

 

The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's lap.

 

DR. EVIL: Mini-me, something to eat?

(expectant pause) No?

(pause) OK.

(to room) Tired.

Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this is the kicker-

 

DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL.

 

DR. EVIL: With a White House intern!

 

Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me.

 

NUMBER TWO: (clearing his throat) Uh-hem.

 

DR. EVIL: What, that already happened?

 

Number Two nods.

 

DR. EVIL: This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that?

 

NUMBER TWO: No, not that I'm aware of.

 

DR. EVIL: Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?

 

SCOTT: Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope?

 

Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel.

Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER.

 

DR. EVIL: No, because Austin Powers has "mojo".

 

NUMBER TWO: Mojo?

 

FRAU: Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff".

 

DR. EVIL: It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.'

 

SCOTT: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something?

 

DR. EVIL: No, no, no.

 

NUMBER TWO: (interrupting) Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could literally make trillions.

 

DR. EVIL: (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make...

(pause) Billions?

 

NUMBER TWO: Excuse me?

 

DR. EVIL: Why think small is all I'm saying.

 

SCOTT: A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.

 

DR. EVIL: Zip it. Unveil the time portal!

 

A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy.

 

DR. EVIL: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless.

First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of the world.

 

SCOTT: Can I come?

 

DR. EVIL: No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I don't know animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me.

 

Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly. They enter the portal.

There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek.

 

21 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - 1969

 

Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch.

 

DR. EVIL: Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy.

(turning to Frau) And Frau you look...right.

 

As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but

Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch.

 

DR. EVIL: OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another one of these chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want you to meet

Number Two.

 

NUMBER TWO: Hello there.

 

Mini-me says nothing.

 

DR. EVIL: Mini-Me?

 

Mini-me still says nothing.

 

DR. EVIL: Shy. Low blood sugar.

(to room) Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of

Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine.

 

Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window.

 

DR. EVIL: (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

 

22 EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - 1969

 

We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr.

Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island.

 

DR. EVIL (VO) (maniacal laugh) Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

 

23 INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - 1969

 

We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we see two digital clocks. One reads:

CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS

GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers).

 

BRITISH COLONEL: We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert.

 

FAT SOLDIER: (thick Scottish accent) Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee naked hairy popsicle, sir!

 

BRITISH COLONEL: Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake!

 

They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits.

 

FAT SOLDIER: Yessir!

(sotto after the Colonel) I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing-our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize-our-Scottish-Independence!

 

The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room.

The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious.

 

He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL

MOJO.

 

24 EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY

 

Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads empty.

 

AUSTIN: Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this morning.

 

Austin hits a button on the dashboard.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: (on picture phone) Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence.

 

AUSTIN: You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out of petrol.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon?

 

AUSTIN: Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot!

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case.

 

AUSTIN: New case? Very shagadelic, Basil!

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex-KGB agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder.

 

AUSTIN: That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes

Austin a dull boy, man!

 

25 INT. SKI LODGE

 

Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire.

 

AUSTIN: (looking around) Tres chic, baby.

 

REG, the photo assistant, enters.

 

REG: Austin, the models are ready.

 

AUSTIN: Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies?

 

REG: What?

 

AUSTIN: Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models!

 

The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we don't know.

 

SUPERMODELS: (circling Austin) It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers!

 

Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.'

 

AUSTIN: One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time!

 

CINDY: Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

 

AUSTIN: Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah!

 

REBECCA: How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca.

(indicating the photo gear) Your equipment is quite impressive.

 

AUSTIN: Thank you. Your breasts are amazing.

 

Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular.

 

AUSTIN: And what's your name, baby?

 

MODEL: (thick Russian accent) Ivana Humpalot.

 

AUSTIN: Excuse me?

 

IVANA: Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.

 

AUSTIN: And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is it?

 

Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy.

 

AUSTIN (VO) (inner monologue) Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin...or Ivana

Humpalot? Think, man, think!

 

Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc.

 

AUSTIN: Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing!

 

Cindy gets on all fours.

 

AUSTIN: Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes.

(angry) No! No!

 

FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out.

 

AUSTIN: (to Rebecca) Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger, baby!

You're great! You're Grrrrrr-eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur.

 

Rebecca looks confused.

 

REBECCA: A lemur?

 

AUSTIN: A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like this!

(imitating lemur) OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's all you've got.

(beat) I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing!

 

FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic.

 

AUSTIN: And...done! I'm spent!

 

Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it.

 

REG

Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana.

 

AUSTIN: I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session'.

 

Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up.

 

MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH

 

IVANA: When did you get "The Clapper"?

 

AUSTIN: November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave.

 

IVANA: Are you cold, Mr. Powers?

 

AUSTIN: I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter.

 

Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby.

 

IVANA: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

 

AUSTIN: I can guess, baby.

 

IVANA: We play chess.

 

AUSTIN: I guessed wrong.

 

IVANA: It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you?

 

AUSTIN: They wear large hats?

 

IVANA: No, they make better lovers.

 

AUSTIN: Wrong again.

 

Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair).

 

IVANA: I assume you know how to play.

 

She runs the bishop across her lips sexily.

 

AUSTIN: Of course. The...horsey...moves in an L shape.

 

Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece.

 

AUSTIN: Let's stop playing games with each other...especially difficult ones. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot?

 

IVANA: Of course.

 

AUSTIN: Do I make you horny? Do I?

 

Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug.

 

IVANA: I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me.

 

She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair.

 

IVANA: You are hairy, like an animal!

 

AUSTIN: (growling and barking) Grrrr, baby.

 

Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug.

 

AUSTIN: Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf!

(covers the bear's eyes) Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job!

 

IVANA: Make love to me, monkey man.

 

AUSTIN: Groovy, baby!

 

We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So does the music.

 

IVANA (OC) What's the matter?

 

CUT TO:

 

26 MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE

 

A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period.

 

27 INT. LODGE

 

AUSTIN: (to camera) Crikey, I've lost my mojo.

 

28 EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE)

An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING.

 

29 EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE

 

SUPER: "Ministry of Defense"

 

30 INT. MOD - HALLWAY

 

Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Where is he? In here?

 

31 INT. MOD - LAB

 

Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Austin, I came as soon as I heard.

 

AUSTIN: There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it.

 

Austin holds his neck very stiffly.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: What's wrong with your neck, Austin?

 

AUSTIN: (turning stiffly to face Basil) I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo?

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this.

 

32 INT. MRI MACHINE

 

Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW.

 

33 INT. MOD LAB

 

MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable. Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH

EDUCATIONAL FILM."

 

Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY

STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit.

 

NURSE: Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test.

 

AUSTIN: (not paying attention to her) Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis.

 

An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters.

 

AUSTIN: What's going on?

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Alright, everyone, we're done.

 

AUSTIN: But the test hasn't even started!

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head.

 

AUSTIN: Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so fascinating--

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo.

 

Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY.

 

AUSTIN: (crushed) Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think it's time to retire.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has returned.

 

AUSTIN: Again?

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Again.

 

34 INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM

 

Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your life.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine.

 

Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and

Donald Trump.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed. That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains.

 

Austin tries to read them and gets queasy.

 

AUSTIN: I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy.

 

Austin burps and swallows it.

 

AUSTIN: Got it. I almost gipped.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION (VO) Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we also have a time travel device. After years of research we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties.

 

A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by Peter Max.

 

AUSTIN: But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle?

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: That's what they'd like you to believe.

 

AUSTIN: So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties?

(goes cross-eyed) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: (to camera) I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.

 

Austin gets into the car and turns it on.

 

AUSTIN: This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat

Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Good luck, Austin.

 

AUSTIN: Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil.

 

Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment.

 

AUSTIN: Sorry.

(changing gears) Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah!

 

The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks.

 

FLASH CUT TO:

35 EXT. STREET - LONDON - 1969

 

The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out.

 

AUSTIN: I feel better already, man!

 

Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car.

 

36 EXT. PARK - LONDON

 

Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN.

 

PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who she is.

 

A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA."

 

AUSTIN: Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig!

 

Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL

REVOLUTION."

 

Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la

Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair.

 

AUSTIN: (singing) 'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION,

YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR.

PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS

AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE.

 

Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically.

 

AUSTIN: (singing) HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES...

YOU MAKES US BORED!

THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER

THAN THE SWORD

 

Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT.

 

AUSTIN: (singing) THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION

AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET

PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS

AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET

 

Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT.

 

AUSTIN: (singing) HEY SQUARE WORLD

THE END IS NIGH.

WHEN WE SAY HUMP

YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?'

 

Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION.

 

AUSTIN: (singing) SO GO MAKE LOVE

OR MASTURBATE-;

SEXUAL FREEDOM

WILL NEVER BE

OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE!

 

Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera.

 

EVERYONE

(chanting) FREE-- LOVE!

(louder) FREE-- LOVE!

(louder) FREE-- LOVE!

(shouting) IT'S THE SIXTIES!

 

The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.

 

We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching

Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face.

 

37 EXT. CARNABY ST.

 

Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN.

 

The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street.

 

The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg.

 

The business man nods to a BOBBY.

 

The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE.

 

The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME.

 

The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup.

 

The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof.

 

The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF.

 

The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR.

 

The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD.

 

The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus.

 

The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER.

 

The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by.

 

38 INT. CITROEN

 

The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste of time.

 

39 EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES

 

Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by hugging himself.

 

The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. Austin turns as he hears a car

HONK.

 

It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion.

 

She is FELICITY SHAGWELL.

 

MUSIC: Felicity's Theme

 

FELICITY: Care for a ride?

 

AUSTIN: That's my Beetle, baby.

 

FELICITY: It was your Beetle. Get in.

 

Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off.

 

40 INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION)

Felicity drives expertly.

 

FELICITY: Austin Powers, I presume?

 

AUSTIN: Powers by name, Powers by reputation.

 

FELICITY: Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation.

 

AUSTIN: (turning to camera) Crazy, baby!

 

41 EXT. ROAD

 

The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. The assassin FIRES.

 

42 INT. BEETLE

 

Felicity turns around to look.

 

FELICITY: Grab the wheel, would you?

 

Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and FIRES out the window.

 

43 EXT. ROAD

 

The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over.

 

44 EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN

 

The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES.

 

45 EXT. CLIFF

 

The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls.

 

ASSASSIN: Ahhhhhhhh!

 

46 EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN

 

Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too, EXPLODES.

 

FELICITY: Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match.

 

AUSTIN: Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again.

 

FELICITY: I was talking about me.

 

She smiles, turns, and walks away.

 

47 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD

 

The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination. Suddenly, Austin and

Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight.

 

AUSTIN: Welcome to my shag pad, baby.

 

Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi-fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin.

Austin blows DUST off a table.

 

AUSTIN: Care for something to drink?

 

Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar.

 

AUSTIN: Or perhaps something to read?

 

Austin walks seductively over to the real- .-;etbar and hits a button. It revolves to reveal-a bookcase.

 

AUSTIN: How about a hot cup of coffee?

 

FELICITY: Yes, I rather fancy a grind.

 

AUSTIN: Oh, Behave!

 

Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup.

 

MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM

 

AUSTIN: Would you like a...mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage?

 

Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils.

 

Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her.

 

AUSTIN: How does that feel, baby?

 

FELICITY: Mmm, lower.

 

AUSTIN: (lowering his voice) HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY?

 

They laugh. Austin continues to massage her.

 

FELICITY: Wait, something's itching me.

 

She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back.

 

FELICITY: That's better.

 

AUSTIN: Crikey!!!

 

Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her.

 

AUSTIN: Sorry.

 

Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed.

 

AUSTIN: (talking to his crotch) Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England.

 

Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked.

 

FELICITY: Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily.

 

AUSTIN: Would you 'like to see my etchings?

 

FELICITY: (sexy) I think I'm ready for bed.

 

She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the bed.

 

AUSTIN: I'll get you some PJs.

 

FELICITY: No, I'm ready for bed.

 

She moves over to him. He avoids her.

 

AUSTIN: Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then.

 

Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed.

 

FELICITY: No, I want to have sex with you, Austin.

 

AUSTIN: Hello Vicar!

 

FELICITY: I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time.

 

Austin sits up.

 

AUSTIN: (reflective) Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess...I guess I've changed.

Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but- where was I?

 

MUSIC: sad instrumental

 

AUSTIN: Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo.

 

FELICITY: (obviously disappointed) Oh.

 

AUSTIN: I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't.

 

FELICITY: Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo recommended him and he's the best.

 

AUSTIN: I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby!

 

48 EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET

 

Austin's plane in flight.

 

49 EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE

 

EXT./INT. BEETLE

 

Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India.

 

51 INT. ASHRAM

 

It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter.

 

MUSIC: sitar

 

FELICITY: There he is. That's my guru.

 

We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari.

 

FELICITY: Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers.

 

AUSTIN: How are you baby?

 

GURU PITKA: My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise.

 

AUSTIN: Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab.

 

FELICITY: Guru, we need some advice.

 

GURU PITKA: Hold your horses and any other beasts-of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I-will help you.

 

The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees.

 

DISCIPLES: Ahhhhhh!

 

GURU PITKA: My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath.

 

DISCIPLES: Ahhhhhh!

 

GURU PITKA: Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the name kind of stuck.

 

DISCIPLES: Ahhhhhhhh...

 

GURU PITKA: Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I am going to change that to "Now here."

 

The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!"

 

DISCIPLES: Ahhhhhhh...

 

GURU PITKA: And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

 

Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME."

 

DISCIPLES: Ahhhhhhh....

 

GURU PITKA: The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap!

 

Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font.

 

DISCIPLES: Ahhhhh...

 

GURU PITKA: (rapid fire) The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no "I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a wooden nickel.

If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger.

 

DISCIPLES: Ahhhhh...

 

GURU PITKA: Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay

Vant Yu Hu.

 

DISCIPLES: (chanting) Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant Yu Hu.

 

The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo.

 

GURU PITKA: Go with God, and pay at the door please.

 

The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach.

 

GURU PITKA: How can I help you?

 

AUSTIN: Guru, I'm having trouble performing.

 

GURU PITKA: What do you mean?

 

AUSTIN: You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy.

 

GURU PITKA: I'm not understanding.

 

AUSTIN: I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy-Daddy dance.

 

GURU PITKA: Still not clear.

 

AUSTIN: My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it.

 

GURU PITKA: Sorry?

 

AUSTIN.

My Willie don't work.

 

GURU PITKA: Why are you beating around the bush?

 

AUSTIN: That's my problem.

 

GURU PITKA: Ohhhhh, I get it.

(beat) No, I don't get it.

 

FELICITY: He's impotent!

 

AUSTIN: Alright, easy.

(to Guru) Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six.

 

GURU PITKA: Oh, yes, I see.

 

AUSTIN: You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?

 

GURU PITKA: Not a word.

 

AUSTIN: Guru, I've lost my mojo.

 

GURU PITKA: Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love.

 

AUSTIN: Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa?

 

FELICITY: Who's Vanessa?

 

AUSTIN: She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved her.

 

GURU PITKA: Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love.

 

AUSTIN: Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out!

 

GURU PITKA: I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy.

 

AUSTIN: No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah!

 

52 INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR

 

Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is bleeped.

 

DR. EVIL: Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo?

 

FAT BASTARD: First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta (bleep)in, turtle head pokin' out.

 

DR. EVIL: (disgusted) Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do you?

 

FAT BASTARD: I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't one of them.

 

DR. EVIL: Alright, Fatty-

 

FAT BASTARD: The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey.

 

DR. EVIL: Fat Bastard, the mojo?

 

FAT BASTARD: Where's my (bleeping) money?

 

DR. EVIL: A gentlemen never discusses money.

 

FAT BASTARD: Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned

(bleep)!

 

DR. EVIL: (pause) Vulgarity is no substitute for wit.

 

FAT BASTARD: (Bleeb) you!

 

DR. EVIL: Right. Bring in the money.

 

Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars.

 

FAT BASTARD: Alright, here it is.

 

Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. Dr. Evil is mesmerized.

 

DR. EVIL: Mini-Me, fetch.

 

Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL.

 

NUMBER TWO enters.

 

NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him but he got away.

 

DR. EVIL: This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo.

 

NUMBER TWO: There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA.

 

Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL.

 

DR. EVIL: Scott, what are you doing here?

 

SCOTT: I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of

Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song--

(hums/sings the theme) Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know, you are my Dad and I need you.

 

DR. EVIL: You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.

(looking around) Has anyone seen Mini-Me?

(calling out) Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell on him or something?

 

Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend.

 

DR. EVIL: Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let me demonstrate.

(beat) Where's my laser?

 

Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth

 

DR. EVIL: Mini-Me, don't chew my laser.

(to room) Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK.

(pause) No? Nothing?

(back to model) Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".

 

Scott SNICKERS.

 

DR. EVIL: What?

 

SCOTT: (snickering again) Nothing Darth.

 

DR. EVIL: What did you call me?

 

SCOTT: Nothing.

(pretends to sneeze) Rip-off!

 

DR. EVIL: (unsure) Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted

Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the

Alan Parsons Project.

 

Scott SNICKERS again.

 

DR. EVIL: What now?

 

SCOTT: The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass?

 

DR. EVIL: (indicating laser) When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want.

Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons

Project. Fire the laser!

 

53 INSERT SHOT:

 

A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode.

 

Everyone is shocked by the laser's power.

 

NUMBER TWO: My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning!

 

DR. EVIL: Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture

Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott?

 

SCOTT: Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive.

 

DR. EVIL: Shhhh!

 

SCOTT: I'm nineteen, I don't-

 

DR. EVIL: Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh-shh! It's Morse code.

(reading imaginary paper) Let me decipher...it says 'shhhhh!'

 

SCOTT: You are so lame-

 

DR. EVIL: (like Electric Company) Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh!

 

NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers?

 

DR. EVIL: Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer.

Take care of it.

 

FAT BASTARD: It'll be my pleasure.

 

DR. EVIL: It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless?

 

54 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT

 

A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage.

 

AUSTIN: This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah!

 

The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the music.

 

Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her.

 

PREGNANT WOMAN: Hey!

 

AUSTIN: You'll thank me later, baby.

 

Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing.

 

AUSTIN: (noticing someone) Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you?

 

We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair.

 

RICARDO: Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too.

 

AUSTIN: (to camera) Crazy, man!

 

FELICITY: Let's split up and scope the scene.

 

AUSTIN: Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me.

 

Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off.

 

AUSTIN: Oh, behave!

 

CUT TO:

 

Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick.

 

AUSTIN: (to chick) You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you?

 

CHICK: No.

 

AUSTIN: Would you like to?

 

CUT TO:

 

An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy.

 

ALAN ZEUS GUY: (rolling his eyes) This is ridiculous!

 

CUT TO:

 

A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs.

 

LONDON COP: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?

 

FELICITY: No, but I bet it really hurts.

 

CUT TO:

 

A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over.

 

CUT TO:

 

Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY".

 

AUSTIN: The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty.

 

CUT TO:

 

An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka.

 

ESKIMO: (to camera) I don't get it.

 

CUT TO:

 

The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight.

 

AUSTIN: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby?

 

FELICITY: Well you can start by buying me a drink.

 

Austin does a spit take.

 

CUT TO:

 

Felicity with a VIKING.

 

VIKING: You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor.

 

FELICITY: You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit.

 

CUT TO:

 

Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes.

 

AUSTIN: (German accent) Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power.

 

CUT TO:

 

ZEUS GUY: Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills?

 

CUT TO:

 

AUSTIN: Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married?

 

FELICITY: Yeah, I heard she broke it off.

 

CUT TO:

 

Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take.

 

CUT TO:

 

ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant.

 

ARTIE JOHNSON: Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid!

 

CUT TO:

 

Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle.

 

Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a

Cosmopolitan.

 

CUT TO:

 

Cut to Austin and Felicity together again.

 

FELICITY: Look at that.

 

She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing.

 

AUSTIN: That's not a pretty sight. Who is he?

 

FELICITY: Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil.

 

AUSTIN: How do you know?

 

FELICITY: We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes quite a fixture on the London party circuit.

 

AUSTIN: Who's the girl?

 

FELICITY: I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting.

 

Fat Bastard exits.

 

FELICITY: I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later.

 

Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way over to the girl.

 

AUSTIN: Hello, hello.

 

GIRL: Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party.

 

AUSTIN: Who are you today, baby?

 

GIRL: Robin. Robin Swallows.

 

AUSTIN: Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English?

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz.

 

AUSTIN: Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure.

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: The pleasure is mine.

 

She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long.

 

AUSTIN: Charmed, I'm sure.

(still shaking, her breasts jiggle) How do you do?

(still shaking, jiggling) Yes, quite.

(shakes, jiggles) I always enjoy meeting new people.

(shakes, jiggles) How's your mum? Good.

(shakes, jiggles) I love shaking hands.

 

Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress.

 

AUSTIN: (snapping out of it) So, who was your friend?

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: His name is Fat Bastard.

 

AUSTIN: It suits him.

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: He's my lover.

 

Austin is grossed out.

 

AUSTIN: OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil?

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.

 

AUSTIN: Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take.

 

AUSTIN: Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper?

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper.

 

AUSTIN: Really? I said Mister Pepper.

 

Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close.

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime.

 

AUSTIN: Oh, behave!

 

CUT TO:

 

55 ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO

 

ALAN ZEUS TYPE

Meanwhile...

 

BACK TO:

 

56 EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT

 

Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his order.

 

FAT BASTARD: ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and...a Fresca. No ice.

 

We pan to see Felicity beside him.

 

FELICITY: I love a man with a large appetite.

 

FAT BASTARD: And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing.

 

Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile.

 

57 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT

 

Austin and Robin are the only ones left. They are dancing a weird Sixties dance.

 

AUSTIN: Can I ask you a question?

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: Yes.

 

AUSTIN: Thank you.

 

Beat.

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: Well, what's the question?

 

AUSTIN: Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you?

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right...over...here.

 

Robin moves Austin into place as they dance.

 

AUSTIN: You're a bit of alright.

 

Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife.

 

Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the back.

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: (strained) Oedipus...use the revolver.

 

Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets.

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: (strained) Oedipus...use the machine gun.

 

Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez-like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still USING HER AS A SHIELD.

 

Oedipus throws down his gun and charges Austin. Austin uses Robin's body to block Oedipus's head butt, but his momentum pushes all three of them through a PLATE GLASS WINDOW of his second story loft.

 

58 IN MID-AIR

 

As they fall, Austin turns Robin around so that she is between him and the ground.

 

59 EXT. OUTSIDE AUSTINIS FLAT

 

They land with a THUD. Robin cushions Austin's fall. Oedipus is dead on the pavement.

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: Oedipus, Oedipus...

 

AUSTIN: Sorry baby, too late. He's as dead as vaudeville.

 

ROBIN SWALLOWS: You can't win, Powers. Dr. Evil has your mojo and it's only a matter of time before he kills you and takes over the world.

(weak) Tell Fat Bastard I'll miss him...

 

CUT TO:

 

60 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

 

Felicity is in bed, naked under the sheets, smoking a cigarette. We hear strange sounds offstage.

We pan over to reveal she's IN BED WITH A NAKED FAT BASTARD!

 

He is eating a huge turkey leg, his face covered in food.

 

FAT BASTARD: I always get (bleep)in' hungry after I get my end away!

 

FELICITY: I never would have thought that a man of such tremendous girth could be such a, um, creative and sensuous lover!

 

FAT BASTARD: You want some chicken? I have more!

 

He rolls over to reveal his HUGE NAKED ASS.

 

Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse, looks around for a place to plant it. She sees his enormous butt cleavage and realizes that there's only one place for the thing to go.

 

ANGLE on FAT BASTARD'S face. He is delighted.

 

FAT BASTARD: Frisky are we? Alright lets have another go!

 

She is horrified.

 

61 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM

 

Dr. Evil at his table with Frau, Scott, and Number Two.

 

DR. EVIL: Get me the President of the United States.

 

The PRESIDENT appears on Dr. Evil's video screen with his ADVISORS behind him.

 

62 INT. OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN)

PRESIDENT: Dr. Evil, what do you want?

 

DR. EVIL: Now what I want Mr. President, but I will receive. In 12 hours I will destroy

Washington, DC with a giant laser.

 

Dr. Evil reveals a giant laser. Mini-Me is humping it like a dog.

 

DR. EVIL: OK, Mini-Me, why don't you and the laser get a frickin' room. Honestly.

(to President) I will destroy another major city every hour- that is, unless you pay me-

 

SNAP ZOOM

 

DR. EVIL: One hundred billion dollars!

 

The President and his advisors LAUGH.

 

PRESIDENT: Dr. Evil that's more than the entire federal budget for 1969.

 

DR. EVIL: Don't play games with me. The capitol will disappear if I don't receive

 

SNAP ZOOM

 

DR. EVIL: One hundred billion dollars!

 

His advisors LAUGH.

 

PRESIDENT: That much money simply doesn't exist. I don't think l00 billion is even a number. It's like saying I want a kajillion bajillion dollars.

 

His advisors LAUGH.

 

DR. EVIL: Come on, Mr. President...

 

SNAP ZOOM:

 

DR. EVIL: "Show me the money!"

 

Dr. Evil looks around smugly. No one laughs.

 

PRESIDENT: What?

 

SNAP ZOOM:

 

DR. EVIL: "Show me the money!"

 

He looks around again, expectantly.

 

PRESIDENT: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

 

DR. EVIL: You know, kwan? Show me the money? No? Nothing?

 

SCOTT: It's 1969. That movie won't come out for another 30 years, ass. They don't know what you're talking about.

 

DR. EVIL: Right. OK, see if you understand this: give me the money or I'm going to blow you to frickin' bits, OK?

 

The President and his advisors MURMUR.

 

PRESIDENT: But-

 

DR. EVIL: (making 'stop' gesture) Talk to the hand!

 

Dr. Evil signs off.

 

DR. EVIL: (to Scott) I did love that, though. Cuba Gooding Jr. was outstanding. Oscar speech, very touching.

 

Scott looks at him with disgust.

 

DR. EVIL: Okay, everybody clear the room!

 

Everyone leaves and he walks over to a panel bearing his logo. He presses a button, the panel opens up to reveal...A SECRET SHRINE TO AUSTIN POWERS!

 

In it we see a huge full-length photo of Austin Powers, and various magazine covers.

 

He presses a button and an Austin wig descends from the ceiling landing perfectly on his bald head. A backless mockup of Austin's suit rises from the floor. He puts on a pair of glasses. He has become Austin Powers.

 

Dr. Evil cautiously tastes the mojo.

 

DR. EVIL: Yeah, baby. Very shagedelic.

(beat) This isn't working. I don't feel anything.

 

We PUSH IN towards Dr. Evil's head.

 

FLASH CUT TO:

 

63 DR. EVIL ANIMATED SEQUENCE

 

A Yellow Submarine-like depiction of Dr. Evil. Zoom in on his head which explodes into 30 other small Dr. Evil heads which rain on a Peter Max-ian valley of flowers. The flowers sprout the word "EVIL'.

 

A psychedelic flying Austin head with spirals in the glasses smashes the flowers, changing the words from "EVIL" to "VILE" and to "LIVE" and then to "LOVE".

 

Turn-of-the-century fat cat capitalists on stilts with teeth coming out of their stomachs drop penis rockets that have the word "GREED" written on the shaft, smashing the "LOVE" flowers into "IRELO" which sprouts into "YELLOW" which turns into submarines, which becomes yellow penises of huge, goose-stepping Dr. Evils, each of them peeing, creating a rain of urine that falls on the Peter Max-ian valley of a hundred Austin Powers citizens. They each open an umbrella that says "LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER LUST". The urine turns into a stream that flows into the mouth of a huge head of Dr. Evil.

 

FLASH CUT BACK TO:

 

64 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - AUSTIN SHRINE

 

Pull back from Dr. Evil's head. He looks dazed and confused. Just then, Number Two re-enters the room, catching Dr. Evil with all his Austin paraphernalia.

 

NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, one last thing. I-- oh.

 

DR. EVIL: I was just...right. Would it kill you to frickin' knock?

 

65 EXT./INT. CARNABY STREET - DAY

 

Austin and Felicity walk along the street.

 

FELICITY: Austin, tell me about the Nineties.

 

AUSTIN: You know I can't tell you details about the future, baby, it could alter history.

 

FELICITY: Not details, just what it's like. You know, what's the scene? Where's it at?

 

AUSTIN: There've been a lot of advances in the Nineties, baby. The economy is stable, people take better care of their health concern for the environment is on the rise and, um, let's see, there's an entire television channel dedicated to golf.

 

FELICITY: Sounds awful.

 

AUSTIN: It's not so bad once you get used to it. The Nineties are about responsibility. You know, having respect for yourself and other people. I even got married.

 

FELICITY: You? Married? What about the sexual revolution?

 

AUSTIN: Well, it turns out there were some casualties, baby. Don't you think you'll ever get married?

 

FELICITY: No, not until I get a little more 'experience' under my belt.

 

AUSTIN: Oh, behave!

 

Suddenly Austin notices something outside and puts his hand to his mouth in fear.

 

AUSTIN: (wide-eyed) Oh my God!

 

Felicity is immediately on her guard. She pulls her gun.

 

FELICITY: (looking around) What is it! Is it Fat Bastard?

 

AUSTIN: No, written here on my hand, see?

 

Austin turns his hand around to show her. He has written 'oh my God' on his hand with the pen.

 

AUSTIN: Says 'Oh my God!'

 

They laugh.

 

FELICITY: Austin, look.

 

Austin and Felicity duck into a CAMERA SHOP and come out an instant later with SUPER-8 CAMERAS.

They run down the street filming each other.

 

AUSTIN AND FELICITY - SUPER-8 MONTAGE

 

This is a Richard Lester-like sequence shot on grainy film from Austin and Felicity's POVs.

There's lots of SPEEDED UP stuff and POPPING IN AND OUT of frame like the MONKEES TV show.

 

BACK ON THE STREET

 

AUSTIN: Felicity, I haven't had this much fun since I worked undercover in Amsterdam-

'66 I think it was.

 

FELICITY: 1965, actually. You posed as a Dutch cheese expert to stop Dr. Evil from poisoning the world's water supply.

 

Austin is impressed.

 

FELICITY: I've studied your file, Austin. I want to be a trailblazer, just like you. The Seventies are right around the corner. It's going to be a glorious time for fashion and music and technology-- it won't be long before every flying car has its own 8-track.

 

Austin starts to say something, then bites his tongue.

 

FELICITY: The CIA has always been a boy's club until now. Well move over, this chick's taking over.

 

AUSTIN: (hoarse) Very impressive.

 

FELICITY: Austin, your voice!

 

AUSTIN: Yes, I think I'm coming down with something.

 

Austin and Felicity stop at an ICE CREAM MAN with his pushcart.

 

AUSTIN: I'll get some ice cream. Would you like some?

 

FELICITY: No thanks.

 

AUSTIN: (hoarse, to ice cream man) Could I have two scoops of Vanilla, please?

 

ICE CREAM MAN: Right away, governor. Would you like chocolate syrup?

 

AUSTIN: (hoarse) Yes, please.

 

ICE CREAM MAN: Will you have any whipped cream?

 

AUSTIN: (hoarse) I will, thank you.

 

ICE CREAM MAN: Candy sprinkles?

 

AUSTIN: (hoarse) Yes please.

 

ICE CREAM MAN: Crushed nuts?

 

AUSTIN: No, laryngitis.

 

ICE CREAM MAN: Here's your change, sir. Oh, and Austin--

 

We cut back to the ICE CREAM MAN to see him pulling off a very fake beard. It is BASIL (though it was clearly another actor before).

 

AUSTIN: (now with phlegmy throat) Basil!

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Hello, Austin. What's wrong with your voice?

 

AUSTIN: (still phlegmy throat) I just had ice cream. Listen to me, I have dairy throat.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

AND IT WAS ALWAYS GRUNTIN'

SHE TIED IT TO A FIVE BAR GATE

AND KICKED IT'S LITTLE-

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: (Interrupting) Austin! Things are heating up, so I thought it best to contact you in disguise. Felicity, your plan worked. You and Austin track Fat Bastard back to Dr. Evil.

 

AUSTIN: But how can we track Fat Bastard?

 

FELICITY: I planted a homing device on him last night.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Yes, and we're starting to pick up the signal now.

 

Basil hands Felicity a tracking device that BEEPS.

 

AUSTIN: How did you get close enough to plant a homing device?

 

FELICITY: I shagged him, I shagged him rotten.

 

Austin and Basil are confused and grossed out at the same time.

 

AUSTIN: You...him? Just like that?

 

FELICITY: Yes, Austin, we needed that information.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Well, thanks to your effort, Felicity, we now know that-

 

AUSTIN: (interrupting, to Felicity) Did you use an elaborate set of pulleys? A block and tackle?

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Anyway, you two follow the signal back to Dr. Evil's headquarters and then-

 

AUSTIN: (interrupting, to Felicity) I just can't get my head around it, baby. You're so small and he's so ... not small. The sheer mechanics of it are mindboggling!

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Never mind, Austin, you two have work to do. You must find Dr. Evil.

 

66 INT. BEETLE

 

We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen built into the dash.

 

AUSTIN: I got it! A Chinese basket with a counter-weighted ballast. That's how you did it, right?

 

FELICITY: Austin, it almost sounds like you're jealous.

 

AUSTIN: Who, me? That's not possible, baby!

(beat, to himself) is it?

 

Just then a-car pulls beside them. Two Dr. Evil Private Army guys pull machine guns and start

SHOOTING.

 

AUSTIN: Get down!

 

Felicity ducks. Austin reaches back and pulls ROBIN SWALLOWS from the back seat and USES HER AS A

SHIELD.

 

FELICITY: We're obviously on the right track.

(re: tracking screen) It looks like Fat Bastard is-on an island in the middle of the ocean.

 

67 EXT. DR. EVIL'S ISLANDNIGHT

 

We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen.

 

68 EXT. BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - NIGHT

 

The Beetle comes from under the water and lands on the beach. We still hear the BEEP-BEEP.

 

69 EXT. TENT - WOODS - NIGHT

 

Austin and Felicity have set up a tent with a view of the Dr. Evil Mt. Rushmore face. Austin is looking at the mountain through a pair of binoculars which hang around his neck.

 

AUSTIN: According to the readings, Dr. Evil's headquarters is over the next ridge.

 

FELICITY: Can I have a look?

 

AUSTIN: Sure.

 

Austin hands her the binoculars. Unfortunately the strap is still around his neck, pulling his face into her cleavage.

 

FELICITY: Question is, how do we get in?

 

AUSTIN: (muffled) Mmmmmmm...mmmmm...

 

FELICITY: Austin, did you hear me?

 

AUSTIN: I seem to be stuck in your dirty pillows.

 

FELICITY: Where are the topographical maps that Basil drew up?

 

AUSTIN: I think they're in the tent.

 

He and Felicity enter the tent. A LIGHT is on inside casting shadows of Austin and Felicity on the side of the tent. From the outside it appears the shadow Austin is leaning over with his back to-the shadow Felicity, who appears to have her hands up his butt.

 

AUSTIN (VO) Have you got it out yet?

 

FELICITY (VO) Good Lord, Austin, what sort of things do you put in there?

 

The shadow Felicity appears to be tugging a string of sausage links from his ass.

 

AUSTIN (VO) Oh, anything that catches my fancy.

 

FELICITY (VO) How do you manage to fit it all in?

 

AUSTIN (VO) Oh, it stretches to fit.

 

The shadow Felicity appears to pull a tennis racket out of Austin's ass.

 

AUSTIN (VO) Are you almost done? I can't hold it much longer.

 

INT. TENT

 

We see that Austin is leaned over holding part of the tent. Felicity is rummaging through a duffel bag across the tent.

 

FELICITY: Here we go, one hammer. It's amazing how much this duffel bag will hold.

 

INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR

 

We see Dr. Evil playing a piano. We pan to see Mini-Me on top of the piano, himself playing a miniature baby grand.

 

DR. EVIL: (singing) 'WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US?

JUST A SLOB LIKE ONE OF US?'

 

We see that Number Two and Frau are the audience. They applaud.

 

NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, that was fantastic, but I do have some bad news. Powers' is on the island.

 

DR. EVIL: How tedious.

 

NUMBER TWO: Don't worry, Dr. Evil, we can get to him by using the girl.

 

DR. EVIL: Really?

 

NUMBER TWO: I have the perfect weapon. Frau?

 

FRAU: (shouting) Bring in the He-Bots!

 

MUSIC: It's Raining Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS

 

Three HE-BOTS enter in unison. They are robotic studs in Logan's Run type outfits.

 

NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, may I present the He-Bots. What kind of woman could resist these perfect specimens of masculinity? Their clothes are stylish, their posture is ramrod straight, and their buttocks are tight, like tigers. And, each He-Bot is armed with a secret weapon.

 

Angle on the first He-Bot. A nozzle flips up from his codpiece and white smoke pours out.

 

NUMBER TWO (OC) Poison gas...

 

Angle on the second He-Bot. A gun barrel flips out form his crotch and FIRES machine-gun style.

 

NUMBER TWO (OC) Machine gun...

 

Angle on the third He-Bot. A nozzle flips up from his crotch and yellow liquid drizzles out onto the floor, where it smokes.

 

NUMBER TWO (OC) And deadly acid.

 

Dr. Evil is disgusted by the last one.

 

DR. EVIL: Right. I object to the last one on aesthetic grounds, but I don't care how you get Powers, just bring him to me.

(to Mini-Me) Ready Mini-Me? A one and a two and...

(singing) ME, AND MY SHA-

DOW

STROLLING DOWN THE A-VA-

(rapidly) WASN'T A STREET, WASN'T M A ROAD

WASN'T A BOULEVARD

(dancing in step) ME, AND MY SHA-

DOW ALL ALONE AND FEE-LING...

 

MINI-ME

(voice unnaturally low) BLUE!

 

71 EXT. TENT

 

We see the shadows again. It now looks like Felicity is putting things into Austin's ass.

 

FELICITY (VO) Do you want everything to go back in?

 

AUSTIN (VO) Yes. Listen, Felicity, about Fat Bastard-

 

FELICITY (VO) It's my job, Austin. You of all people should understand that. Marakesh, 1962. Rome, 1964. Tokyo, 1966. I know your record backwards and forwards.

You've had more sex on the job than a Swedish stewardess.

 

The shadow Felicity tries to cram the tennis racket into what appears to be Austin's ass.

 

AUSTIN (VO) You're right, Felicity, I can't deny it. But the world changed, and I changed too.

 

Pull back to reveal that THE HE-BOTS are watching. Felicity shoves the tennis racket extra hard.

Austin stands up rapidly.

 

AUSTIN (VO) Ow!

(beat) My back hurts.

 

FELICITY (VO) Are you OK?

 

AUSTIN (VO) I'm fine, just keeping packing.

 

The He-Bots shrug their shoulders and march towards the tent.

 

72 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - 60'S

 

Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard, Scott, Number Two and Frau are seated.

 

FAT BASTARD: Christ Almighty, it smells terrible in here.

 

DR. EVIL: It's the volcanic sulphurous emissions. We've put up some air fresheners.

 

FAT BASTARD: Great, now it smells like someone took a shite in a pine tree.

 

NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, the laser has been loaded into the rocket. You're ready for launch.

 

DR. EVIL: I'm just waiting to taunt my nemesis. I have so few pleasures, you know.

 

Austin and Felicity are brought in at gunpoint by Private Army Men.

 

DR. EVIL: Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell, welcome to my hollowed-out volcano.

 

AUSTIN: We meet again, Dr. Evil.

 

DR. EVIL: Yes, the only reason I'm keeping you alive is so you can feel the agony of watching my plan unfold.

 

AUSTIN: Dr. Evil your plan will never--

 

Austin trails off as he spots his MOJO in the beaker behind Dr. Evil.

 

DR. EVIL: Oh, is that yours?

 

AUSTIN: My mojo!

 

DR. EVIL: You know what they say: finders keepers, loser weepers.

 

FELICITY: Dr. Evil, do you like real estate?

 

DR. EVIL: Of course. Why?

 

Felicity kicks Dr. Evil in the balls.

 

FELICITY: Now you've got a couple of achers.

 

DR. EVIL: Oww! My stomach hurts!

 

AUSTIN: (wincing) I don't care if he is evil, you don't give a man a shot in the pills. It's just not cricket, baby.

 

DR. EVIL: Take them away.

 

The guards lead Austin and Felicity away.

 

SCOTT: She just hoofed you in the sack and you're going to leave them alone in a jail cell with one inept guard? They'll escape, dipshit. You do this every time!

 

DR. EVIL: You're going the right way for a smacked bottom, young man.

 

SCOTT: You don't own me!

 

DR. EVIL: I do actually.

(pulling out paper) It's complicated. Usually it's illegal but this buddy of mine...but I digress. Fat Bastard, I'm leaving you in charge. I'm going up the moon to hold the world ransom with my giant laser, I shouldn't be long.

 

FAT BASTARD: What about Powers?

 

DR. EVIL: He's tucked away safely in his cell. He's harmless without that mojo. Guard it with your life.

(to Number Two) Number Two, begin the countdown.

 

The area around Dr. Evil's command chair, including the time portal behind it, is enclosed by a circular door, becoming part of the rocket. Steam begins billowing, etc.

 

NUMBER TWO: Five, four, three ...

 

73 EXT. VOLCANO ISLAND (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN)

NUMBER TWO (VO) Two, one, liftoff!

 

The rocket lifts off from the volcano into the night sky.

 

74 EXT. NIGHT SKY (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN)

The rocket in flight.

 

75 FULL SCREEN - NORAD TRACKING SCREEN

 

The rocket enters the screen. It has the silhouette of a flying penis.

 

76 INT. TRACKING ROOM

 

OPERATOR: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.

 

COLONEL: What is it, son?

 

OPERATOR: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--

 

CUT TO:

 

77 INT. COCKPIT - JET

 

PILOT: Dick!

 

CO-PILOT: Yes?

 

PILOT: Take a look out of starboard.

 

CO-PILOT: Oh my God, it looks like a huge--

 

78 EXT. WOODS

 

MAN: Pecker!

 

WOMAN: Where?

 

He raises his binoculars.

 

MAN: Over there. A rare red-billed woodpecker!

(looks over with binoculars) What sort of bird is that? Oh goodness, it's not a bird, it's-

 

CUT TO:

 

79 EXT. ARMY BASE

 

SERGEANT: Privates! We have reports of an Unidentified Flying Object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with-

 

80 EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND

 

UMPIRE: Two balls! No strikes.

(looking up) What is that? It looks just like an enormous--

 

CUT BACK TO:

 

81 INT. RADAR ROOM

 

COLONEL: Johnson!

 

RADAR OPERATOR: Yes, sir?

 

COLONEL: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.

 

82 INT. JAIL CELL

 

Austin and Felicity are in a bare cell with cement walls. The huge metal door has a window with bars in it.

 

FELICITY: How are we going to get out of here?

 

AUSTIN: Why don't you just shag Fat Bastard again?

 

FELICITY: (exploding) Austin, that is it! I don't know what happened to you in the Nineties, but I'm still here, in the Sixties, and I still swing! Don't try to lay your hang-ups on me just because you lost your mojo! That one hurts.

 

AUSTIN: Ouch, baby, very ouch. I'm wounded.

 

FELICITY: I'm sorry, Austin, that was a cheap shot.

 

AUSTIN: No, baby, you're right. I was wrong to judge you. I guess I am...jealous.

 

FELICITY: But the Austin Powers I knew was wild and crazy and free. He could never be jealous.

 

AUSTIN: That Austin is gone. I've changed. I knew someone, not long ago, a very special woman. She taught me that life isn't about jumping into the sack with whoever comes along, it's about caring and responsibility. And while it is true she turned out to be an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil, I suppose I really did...love her.

 

FELICITY: Was that your wife?

 

AUSTIN: Yes, Vanessa.

 

Felicity is touched.

 

FELICITY: Listen, Austin, I can't pretend to understand everything you've gone through, but I trust you. I'll make you a deal: if we get out of here alive, I'll give monogamy a try.

 

AUSTIN: With me?

 

FELICITY: Yes, silly.

 

AUSTIN: Groovy, baby!

 

They kiss.

 

FELICITY: We need to lure the guard inside and get his key.

 

AUSTIN: Alright, what if I pretend to be desperately ill with food poisoning? The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, will come to investigate. Meanwhile, you dig a pit and line it with makeshift punji sticks made from sharpened toothbrushes. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, and we've got the key.

What do you think?

 

FELICITY: That might work, but how about this?

 

Felicity charges towards the window in the door, ripping open her blouse as she goes, showing her breasts to the guard. We, however, can't see them.

 

FELICITY: (giving a wolf whistle) What do you think of these, my man?

 

83 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CELL

 

The guard is mesmerized by Felicity.

 

GUARD: Mommy...

 

He unlocks the door and enters.

 

84 INT. JAIL CELL

 

The guard enters an apparently empty cell. We see that Austin is wedged spread-eagle above the door, ready to pounce.

 

FELICITY: (seductive, to guard) It's very hot in here, don't you think?

 

The guard follows her into the cell.

 

FELICITY: (irritated) It's very hot in here, don't you think?

 

The guard advances on her.

 

FELICITY: (breaking cover) Austin!

 

AUSTIN: (from above) I'm very firmly wedged.

 

FELICITY: If you want something done...

 

She PUNCHES the guard right in the face and he collapses.

 

AUSTIN: Almost...got it!

 

Austin falls flat on his face with a THUMP and pops back up.

 

AUSTIN: Let's go get my mojo!

 

85 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE

 

It is a stark, steel girder and glass structure. Dr. Evil is trying to look dignified but he is

FLOATING AWAY. He grabs at the railing of his chair as his feet float up.

 

DR. EVIL: Has anyone seen my gravity booties? Honestly, all I wanted was a frickin' moon base. Hello, we're on the moon, no gravity?

(calling out) Mini-Me? Are you alright?

 

ANGLE ON the top of the room. Mini-Me is stuck to the top of the ceiling along with a lot of

DEBRIS.

 

DR. EVIL: My frickin' mascot is stuck to the ceiling, OK? Not good. Papa not happy.

 

A couple of henchmen place BOOTS on Dr. Evil. He drops to the floor.

 

DR. EVIL: (looking up) Somebody get the stick. Hold on, Mini-Me.

(into microphone) Begin laser-

 

He's interrupted by terrible FEEDBACK. Dr. Evil taps and blows on the mic.

 

DR. EVIL: (into microphone).

Begin-

 

Worse FEEDBACK. He holds it farther away.

 

DR. EVIL: (into mic) Begin laser ignition sequence.

 

The laser's coils begin to glow RED.

 

DR. EVIL: Lunar alignment in 6 hours.

 

86 FULL FRAME - LUNAR TRACKING MODEL

 

A NORAD-type screen showing the current position of the moon and where it needs to be before the laser can fire.

 

87 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM

 

Austin and Felicity run into the Main Room. It is strangely dark and quiet.

 

FELICITY: Where's your mojo, Austin?

 

AUSTIN: I'm not sure.

 

MUSIC: It's Raining Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS

 

Suddenly, the lights dim. The three He-Bots descend from the ceiling on trapezes and acrobatic rings, their muscles rippling.

 

AUSTIN: Watch out, baby, He-Bots!

 

The He-Bots flip off their trapezes and land in unison, like a perfect Olympic dismount. Their crotch nozzles flip up one by one.

 

AUSTIN: I can't fight them without my mojo.

 

FELICITY: Who said anything about fighting?

 

MUSIC: seductive music

 

Felicity does a very seductive dance, with hip thrusts and bumps and grinds. The He-Bots EXPLODE, succumbing to her mojo.

 

AUSTIN: Smashing, Felicity, you were making me very horny, man! Extremely randy, indeed!

 

FAT BASTARD (OC) C'mon, give the lads a show. Take of your top. Put 'em on the glass! Make 'em bounce. Let's have a look at your tits.

 

Austin and Felicity turn to see Fat Bastard lurking in the background.

 

AUSTIN: Fat Bastard!

 

FAT BASTARD: Looking for this, Mr. Powers?

 

Fat Bastard, holds the beaker and is flanked by a dozen private army men.

 

AUSTIN: Give me back my mojo, Fat Bastard!

 

FAT BASTARD: I give the orders, (bleep) for brains. Guards, take them back to their cells.

 

Guards approach.

 

FELICITY: Hold on, let me ask you one question.

 

FAT BASTARD: Alright, I guess I owe you that much for a night of carnal ecstasy.

 

Austin is grossed out.

 

FELICITY: Are you happy?

 

FAT BASTARD: What kind of stupid ass question is that? I'm (bleep)in' rich and I'm up to my tits in clean stinky.

 

FELICITY: You didn't answer my question, are you happy?

 

FAT BASTARD: It's about my girth isn't it? Sure I could lose a few pounds, but I could shiva git!

 

FELICITY: Are you happy?

 

FAT BASTARD: Of course I'm not happy. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do! I've got more (bleep)in' chins than a Chinese phone book.

I've got more crack cheese than a (bleep)in' dairy. I've nay seen ma willie in two years. That's enough time to declare it legally deed! I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat.

(starts to cry) I'm caught in a cycle and there's no escape!

 

AUSTIN: Maybe inside that Fat Bastard there's a thin bastard, trying to get out

 

FAT BASTARD: Maybe there's big crap inside me trying to get out, jack-ass! Enough of your (bleep)in' new age aphorisms. Listen, I've run the gamut of self-help books. "Food isn't love", right, but how do you get it from the page to the (bleep)in' fork? I'm so weak, I hate myself. I'm for shite. Here, take the mojo.

 

Fat Bastard hands over the mojo.

 

FAT BASTARD: I appreciate you trying to reach me, no one can do it for me, I know this now. There's a hole in my soul that food won't fill. This is the beginning of a new me. I'm gonna go to the gym everyday. If you'll excuse me, there's someone I have to get in touch with and forgive...myself.

(pause) Sorry. I farted.

(pause) It's a long road ahead.

 

88 EXT. BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - DAY

 

Austin and Felicity run up to the Beetle.

 

AUSTIN: Hold on, I have something very important to do.

 

Austin drinks the mojo.

 

FELICITY: How do you feel?

 

AUSTIN: Sound as a pound, my spuds are boiling. Fancy a shag?

 

FELICITY: Austin, we don't have time.

 

AUSTIN: C'mon, luv, let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!

 

FELICITY: Dr. Evil's taken his laser to the moon. The world is in danger.

 

AUSTIN: Right, the moon. I think I know someone who can give us a lift.

 

89 EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE)

The Apollo ready for lift-off.

 

NEWSCASTER (VO) There's been some sort of delay in the launch of Apollo 11, Walter, but we understand that America's first manned mission to the moon will be blasting off shortly.

 

90 INT. CAPSULE

 

Pan across Austin in a spacesuit, then Felicity in her spacesuit, then CAMEO ASTRONAUT in his space suit. They are surrounded by hundreds of gauges, buttons and meters.

 

AUSTIN: Gor blimey, you'd have to be a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out.

 

ASTRONAUT: I am a rocket scientist.

 

A technician closes the hatch and the countdown begins.

 

MISSION COMMANDER (VO) We will have lift-off in T minus 10 seconds...9...8...etc.

 

AUSTIN: Felicity, if you get frightened, just hold my hand.

 

91 EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL (STOCK FOOTAGE)

The rocket lifts off.

 

MISSION COMMANDER (VO) We have lift-off! Apollo 11 has cleared the tower and is heading for a rendezvous with the moon.

 

92 INT. APOLLO CAPSULE

 

The G-forces during lift-off are incredible. Austin's face is pulled into a contorted mask which bares his teeth. His hair sticks straight up and his glasses are twisted.

 

Austin is terrified. He clutches Felicity's hand, then grabs on to the astronaut beside him.

Felicity, however, loves it.

 

FELICITY: (yelling) Yaaaaa-hoooo!

 

93 EXT. SPACE - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE)

The stages separate.

 

94 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM

 

Basil sits at the console with NASA technicians.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Austin, you have achieved lunar orbit. How was that lift-off?

 

95 INT. CAPSULE - APOLLO ROCKET (INTERCUT)

AUSTIN: To be honest it was terrifying. It felt like sitting on top of a bomb. As I punched through the atmosphere, I said 'Oh my God!' and I soiled myself.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Happens all the time in that situation.

 

AUSTIN: No, I mean I soiled myself just now when I said oh 'my God!'

 

FELICITY: Basil, it was amazing!

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Prepare for moon landing. We only have one hour until Dr. Evil fires the laser!

 

96 EXT. MOON LANDING (STOCK FOOTAGE)

The lunar module settles on the moon.

 

AUSTIN (VO) Mission control, the swinger has landed.

 

97 EXT. LUNAR MODULE - SURFACE OF THE MOON

 

Austin and Felicity step out in their spacesuits.

 

AUSTIN: This is one small step for man, but a giant step for shagging. Can you imagine it, baby, weightless? The permutations are mind-boggling.

 

FELICITY: Naughty boy!

 

Austin plants a UNION JACK on the moon.

 

AUSTIN: God Save the Queen.

 

98 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM

 

The MISSION COMMANDER shakes his head.

 

MISSION COMMANDER: The Queen? This is an American show, goddammit. Let's roll that footage we shot last week in the studio.

 

99 INT. 1960'S AMERICAN HOME (STOCK FOOTAGE)

A family gathers around the TV, watching Neil Armstrong's 'real' moon landing.

 

100 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE

 

Dr. Evil walks all the way around a TUBULAR HALLWAY-- up the walls, across the ceiling upside down, and back again, settling into his chair. It is like that shot in 2001 SPACE ODYSSEY.

 

DR. EVIL: Position the laser.

 

The laser shifts into place. An ALARM goes off and LIGHTS FLASH.

 

ANNOUNCER (VO) WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION!

 

DR. EVIL: Get me the President.

 

The screen flickers on:

 

DR. EVIL: Mr. President, your time is up. This is your last chance to pay 100 billion dollars or see Washington DC destroyed.

 

ANNOUNCER (VO) WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION!

 

The ALARM continues to blare.

 

101 INT. OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN)

The President at his desk.

 

PRESIDENT: What? I can't hear you.

 

DR. EVIL: Pay me 100 billion dollars or see Washington DC destroyed!

 

The ALARM BLARES.

 

PRESIDENT: I'm sorry, I just can't hear you.

 

DR. EVIL: (louder) How about now?

 

PRESIDENT: Better.

 

DR. EVIL: The Capital will be destroyed-

 

The ALARM BLARES.

 

PRESIDENT: Sorry! I just can't- I think it's that alarm.

 

DR. EVIL: Could someone shut off that frickin' alarm? I'm trying to hold the free world hostage here. Honestly.

(shouting) I WILL DESTROY WASHINGTON DC UNLESS YOU PAY ME-

 

The ALARM SHUTS OFF but Dr. Evil is still shouting.

 

DR. EVIL: (shouting) 100 BILLION DOLLARS!

 

His yelling startles even himself.

 

PRESIDENT: Please Dr. Evil, be reasonable. That's more money than is in the entire

Federal Treasury!

 

DR. EVIL: Oh well, I guess you have one minute to- "show me the money"!

 

PRESIDENT: I still don't know what that means. I can't show you the money because we don't have the money.

 

DR. EVIL: Then I suppose you're up shit's crick without a paddle.

 

102 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM

 

A white room with a bank of old-fashioned computers and a tracking screen. Basil, several

GENERALS, and other VIPs look anxiously over the shoulder of the MISSION CONTROL SPECIALISTS.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Gentlemen, Austin has landed on the moon. We'll soon know whether he has succeeded or whether the world will be destroyed!

 

103 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - HALLWAY

 

Austin and Felicity enter through a hatch and step out of their spacesuits.

 

FELICITY: Let's find Dr. Evil.

 

Suddenly, Austin notices something.

 

AUSTIN: Shhh...

 

He points. We see a profile through a sheet of frosted glass. It is Dr. Evil's distinctive profile, with a machine gun. Austin takes careful aim and FIRES. We see the SHADOW take the hit, and fall.

 

FELICITY: Austin, you've done it! You got Dr. Evil!

 

AUSTIN: Of course I did, baby, I got my mojo working overtime.

 

FELICITY: Austin, I'm going ahead. Cover my rear!

 

AUSTIN: Oh, behave!

 

Felicity runs ahead. Austin runs over to where the shadow came from. He sees that it was not Dr.

Evil, but MINI-ME, carrying a little gun. Austin is ashamed.

 

AUSTIN: Poor little bugger. He's so small, he's like a dog or something.

 

Austin chokes back a tear.

 

AUSTIN: Poor little bugger.

(realizing) Felicity, be careful! Dr. Evil is still alive! Felicity?

 

Austin runs after her.

 

104 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM

 

Austin rounds the corner and comes upon Dr. Evil.

 

AUSTIN: (holding his gun on Dr. Evil) Alright, slap-head, turn around. Slowly.

 

DR. EVIL: Aren't you forgetting something?

 

A wall panel in the main chamber revolves, revealing FELICITY, enclosed in a glass tube.

 

AUSTIN: Felicity!

(to Dr. Evil) What have you done to her?

 

DR. EVIL: Don't worry, she's not dead...yet.

 

Brightly colored GAS starts to fill the glass chamber.

 

FELICITY: (muffled through glass) Don't worry about me Austin. You've got to save the world!

 

DR. EVIL: It looks like you have a choice, Powers: save the world, or save your girlfriend.

 

Austin is torn. He looks back and forth between Felicity and the laser which is on the other side of the room.

 

AUSTIN: I've got my mojo back, man, I can do both.

 

DR. EVIL: We'll see. Fire the laser!

 

The woman manning the laser's joystick begins to MOVE IT. Austin leaps across the room and reaches her just in time.

 

AUSTIN: Hands off my joystick, baby.

 

He wrestles with her a moment and then KNOCKS IT ASKEW.

 

105 EXT. SPACE

 

The laser beam hits the Big Boy Rocket in the crotch and Big Boy's eyes cross in pain.

 

106 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM

 

DR. EVIL: Damn you, Powers!

 

Dr. Evil hits a SELF-DESTRUCT button. An ALARM blares.

 

ANNOUNCER (VO) Warning! Self-destruct sequence initiated!

 

The base is rocked by EXPLOSIONS.

 

AUSTIN: See, Dr. Evil I told you I could do both.

 

DR. EVIL: Perhaps you spoke too soon.

 

Austin looks over. Felicity has slumped over in the tube.

 

AUSTIN: Noooooo!

 

Austin BANGS on the glass with his fists.

 

AUSTIN: Felicity! Felicity. Wake up! Wake up! Please God, don't take her away.

 

It is too late. Dr. Evil runs through the TIME PORTAL and gets away.

 

AUSTIN: Felicity, you have to understand, I thought I had my mojo back. This isn't fair.

 

Austin looks up to the heavens. We see a quick--

 

107 FLASHBACK - MONTAGE

of moments they shared, Austin making her laugh, their first kiss, of Felicity being her beautiful and free-spirited self.

 

A tear runs down his cheek. Austin presses his face against the glass as if trying to reach her.

 

AUSTIN: I love you, Felicity! I know I couldn't say it before, but I really do love you!

(enraged) Dr. Evil, I'll kill him!

 

Austin starts to chase him, but THREE PRIVATE ARMY MEN block his path. Austin is like an animal.

He charges toward the first soldier, RIPS HIS HEART OUT, and takes a bite out of it.

 

Then Austin turns to the second soldier and RIPS HIS SPINE OUT like in Mortal Kombat. The soldier slumps to the ground.

 

The last soldier is terrified. Austin swings both fists simultaneously, crushing the guy's head which EXPLODES LIKE A PUMPKIN.

 

Austin runs over to the TIME PORTAL set for "75 BC". He runs through.

 

CUT TO:

 

108 INT. ROMAN VILLA - 75 BC

 

An orgy is taking place. Dr. Evil is in a toga with a laurel with two YOUNG ROMAN MEN feeding him grapes.

 

DR. EVIL: You make love to your wife out of duty, your mistress for pleasure, and a Roman boy for ecstasy.

(noticing Austin) Shit.

 

He runs away as Austin appears through the TIME PORTAL. Austin follows Dr. Evil into another TIME

PORTAL marked "1975".

 

109 EXT. VENTURA BOULEVARD - 1975

 

Austin emerges from the TIME PORTAL to see Dr. Evil getting into a car. Austin waves his hands and a 1974 RED FORD TORINO with a white stripe pulls over.

 

AUSTIN: I have to commandeer this vehicle.

(noticing) Hey, aren't you Hutch?

 

VOICE (OC) No.

 

We see PAUL MICHAEL GLASER (STARSKY).

 

PAUL MICHAEL GLASER: I'm Starsky.

 

DAVID SOUL: I'm Hutch.

 

Austin jumps in and the Torino speeds off. Dr. Evil's car disappears into a car wash which is a

TIME PORTAL. The Torino follows.

 

A sign at the car wash reads: "1911"

 

CUT TO:

 

110 EXT. DECK OF THE TITANIC - 1911

 

Passengers in period garb walk past a lifesaver with "Titanic" stenciled above it. Dr. Evil enters through a portal with Austin hot on his heels.

 

CAPTAIN (OS) Iceberg, dead ahead!

 

Suddenly the ship tilts at a radical angle. LEONARDO DICAPRIO, KATE WINSLET, and JAMES CAMERON slide by.

 

JAMES CAMERON: I'm king of the world!

 

Dr. Evil and Austin slide backwards into the TIME PORTAL they just came from.

 

CUT TO:

 

111 EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY - 1999

 

Dr. Evil runs into the street with Austin chasing him. In

SLO-MO Austin dives for a ridiculously long time, and TACKLES Dr. Evil, pinning him.

 

AUSTIN: I'm going to kill you, you bastard!

 

DR. EVIL: (breathing heavily) Before you do that, know this: Austin, I am...your...father.

 

MUSIC: dramatic sting

 

AUSTIN: Really?

 

DR. EVIL: No. I can't back that up. I was just grasping at straws. I had nothing. But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers, you really have become a product of the

Nineties.

 

AUSTIN: How so?

 

DR. EVIL: You're more interested in your job as glorified policeman than you are in love. You won the battle, but I won the war. Love means nothing, you've proved it.

 

AUSTIN: I didn't think that Felicity was going to die, man.

 

DR. EVIL: What a cowardly response. I'm disappointed really. You have the power to go back in time and save her, but it means letting me go.

 

Austin looks over and sees a TIME PORTAL. Through it he can glimpse the lair, and Felicity.

 

DR. EVIL: Well, Mr. Powers, which is it going to be? Me or the girl?

 

AUSTIN: Felicity!

 

Austin runs through.

 

CUT TO:

 

112 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - 60'S

 

We see the scene from a moment ago. Felicity is in the glass tube and the BRIGHTLY COLORED GAS is starting to fill it.

 

DR. EVIL: It looks like you have a choice: save the world, or save your girlfriend.

 

AUSTIN: I choose love, baby.

 

Austin runs over to the glass tube and SMASHES HIS FIST through it. The glass SHATTERS and Austin pulls Felicity out. She gasps for air.

 

AUSTIN: Felicity, I love you.

 

FELICITY: (breathless) But I thought-

 

AUSTIN: That was another place and another time, baby.

 

Austin kisses her for a long time. She starts to twitch.

 

She struggles. She hits him in the head and he finally stops kissing her.

 

FELICITY: (gasping) Can't. Breathe.

 

AUSTIN: Sorry, baby, I got a little over- stimulated.

 

DR. EVIL: Fire the laser!

 

AUSTIN: What do we do?

 

FELICITY: Use your mojo!

 

AUSTIN: I don't have it!

 

FELICITY: Trust me, you do!

 

Austin turns and gives a 'who me?' look over his bottom. The woman arming the laser stumbles backwards into the directional control just as it FIRES.

 

113 EXT. SPACE

 

The Big Boy Rocket spins to avoid the laser as it passes harmlessly by.

 

114 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM

 

Jubilation.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: He did it, he saved the world!

(calming down) Of course, I thought he might.

 

115 INT. DR, EVILIS MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM

 

FELICITY: Austin, you did it!

 

They embrace.

 

AUSTIN: Uh-oh.

(beat) I think I just got my mojo back. Really.

 

FELICITY: Austin, you had it all along. No one can take your, mojo away from you!

 

DR. EVIL: Good-bye, Mr. Powers, for the last time.

 

Dr. Evil hits the SELF-DESTRUCT button and climbs aboard the rocket, which blasts off.

 

116 EXT. SPACE (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN EFFECT)

Dr. Evil's escape rocket in flight.

 

117 FULL SCREEN - RADAR

 

Dr. Evil's rocket enters the screen. It has the silhouette of a flying penis.

 

118 INT. RADAR ROOM

 

RADAR OPERATORL: Sir, you better have a look at this radar.

 

COLONEL: What is it?

 

RADAR OPERATOR: I don't know, sir. It's hard to describe. It's...it's-

 

CUT TO:

 

119 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

 

DOCTOR: Just a little prick!

 

The kid CRIES.

 

DOCTOR: All done!

(out the window) Good lord, what is that? If I didn't know better I'd say it's a-

 

CUT TO:

 

120 INT. CHINESE COMMUNIST CLASSROOM

 

CHINESE TEACHER: Wang!

 

One of the STUDENTS, dressed in a green Mao suit and clutching a red book is caught looking out the window.

 

CHINESE TEACHER: Pay attention!

 

CHINESE STUDENT: I'm sorry, Comrade Teacher.

(pointing out window) I was distracted by that enormous flying-

 

121 EXT. BEACH

 

RACHEL HUNTER: Rod?

 

ROD STEWART: Yes, Rachel?

 

RACHEL HUNTER: (pointing to sky) What's that?

 

ROD STEWART

(looking up) It looks like a giant-

 

CUT TO:

 

122 INT. CLASSROOM

 

OLD LADY TEACHER: Penis!

(pointing to her chart) The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhackers, wankers, schlongs, or--

 

CUT TO:

 

123 INT. NASA CONTROL

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Peters!

 

CAPTAIN PETERS: Yes, sir?

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: Any word from Austin?

 

CAPTAIN PETERS: We've picked up his signal, but the lunar base seems to self-destructing.

 

BASIL EXPOSITION: (on microphone) Austin, if you can hear me, use the time portal! There's no time to get to the lunar module! Use the time portal!

 

124 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE

 

Austin stumbles. Felicity looks at him.

 

FELICITY: Austin, you have to get to the time portal!

 

AUSTIN: Come with me, Felicity! It's the only way out!

 

FELICITY: Austin, will I fit in the Nineties?

 

AUSTIN: If I did, anyone can. Let's go, baby!

 

The TIME PORTAL is fifty feet away. Austin and Felicity run towards it. In the foreground are a stack of conveniently placed barrels. As they run behind the barrels, an obvious AUSTIN STUNT

DOUBLE and an obvious FELICITY STUNT DOUBLE emerge in their place.

 

The stunt doubles grab a winch hanging above them and cross over to the TIME PORTAL in a dramatic series of acrobatic flips and stunts.

 

The stunt doubles run behind another conveniently placed pile of barrels. Austin and Felicity emerge in their place and run through the TIME PORTAL. The TIME PORTAL reads "1999".

 

FADE TO BLACK:

 

125 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - 1999 - DAY

 

It is the most up-to-date modern apartment you've ever seen in your life. There is a large screen

TV, a DVD player etc.

 

Movers move in tasteful modern furniture and various other accoutrements of moving. Felicity puts a CD on an old style turntable.

 

SFX: SCREEEECH!!

 

FELICITY: Sorry!

 

AUSTIN: Don't worry baby it takes some getting used to. Let me ask you Felicity, do you feel any side effects from the time travel?

 

Felicity smiles broadly, revealing that she now has TERRIBLE TEETH like Austin's.

 

FELICITY: I'm as healthy as a horse.

 

AUSTIN: I love you, Felicity.

 

FELICITY: And I love you.

 

AUSTIN: Do you want to get married?

 

FELICITY: Absolutely not.

 

AUSTIN: Thank God.

 

They kiss.

 

FADE TO BLACK.

 

THE END

NOTE: This is obviously a draft; much of the actual dialog was improvised.

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